One More Time, One More Chance
by likewhitesmoke
Summary: I always loved him and maybe one day, I'll tell him.
1. Prologue: How Can I Move on From You?

**One More Time, One More Chance.**

**Prologue: **

_**How Can I Move on From You? **_

"**It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after it's been hurt." **

**-Anonymous **

Sometimes, it felt like I was talking to myself. _Is there anyone out there? _The words would pass through my lips and I would be met only with silence. The silence was debilitating. It was always debilitating. When you needed someone to be there, and you're met with nothing, everything shattered around you. The world would feel hollow.

I had never felt so alone.

I thought I wouldn't be here forever. In my naivety, I thought I would break free. I wouldn't have tried so hard if I thought the future was impossible. I would have given up when things weren't so painful … when I didn't have so much stock in this. _So much stock in him … _

_God, I can't do this. There's nothing. Nothing … nothing … nothing. What am I bleeding like this for? Why am I wasting away for this? It's nonsensical … and yet, I don't want anything else. I can't imagine anything else. But this … But him … These feelings will swallow me whole. Jasper … _

My fist slammed against my steering wheel before I threw my body back against the driver's seat. I wished all of these emotions would just fucking melt away. I wished I didn't have to fucking feel this way anymore. It didn't matter how much I wanted him. The two of us were doomed from the start. From the moment we met, I had known he had a girlfriend. I had known what I had wanted with him was just a shallow dream. I had known the love I had for him would never be returned. And yet, here I was, waiting outside his house.

_I'll tell him tonight. He deserves to know. He deserves to know why I won't be around anymore. Why we can't exist together. _

I wondered if he would be gutted, too. He may not have had romantic feelings toward me, but we were still friends. Good friends. So good it fucking hurt to look at him some times. When I saw his eyes light up and his usual serious, calculating expression melt away, I felt territorial. I wanted to guard that expression from everyone else so it would be mine and mine alone. Yet, strangely enough, I wanted to share that expression with the world. I wanted everyone to see just how beautiful the quiet kid in our class could be.

We would graduate this year, go to separate colleges, and live separate lives. Maybe soon, this pain would be over. I could move on and find someone capable loving me the way I so desperately wanted him to love me. _I don't want that day to come. I don't want to graduate … I don't want to leave him. _

Tears filled my eyes before I could stop them. I hated crying. When I cried, I felt out of control; I felt like an intruder in my own body. I was strong. Wasn't I? Wasn't I strong? Hadn't I made it through so much shit already?

Every day, I put on a brave face. Every day, I became someone else. I felt disingenuous. I hated lying to him. He didn't deserve it. However, I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him why I was being an asshole to him—why I had become so distant. If I were brave, I would march up to his doorstep and tell him right now. But I wasn't fucking brave, was I? I buried my face in my hands as a sob escaped my lips.

Tears trailed down my flushed cheeks. One met my lips and I darted my tongue out, feeling comfort from the familiar salty taste. Crying felt cathartic. I had been bottling up my emotions for so long, hoping that, by doing so, they would fade away. I hoped one day the love filling my chest would become a dull pain—something I could tolerate. Now, I didn't think I would ever be able to tolerate it. Sometimes, when you met someone, you just _knew_. You saw them, and you knew that was it for you—_they _were it for you. I had imagined an entire future for us. I knew it was stupid but I hadn't been able to help the way my mind wandered. One glimpse of his smile, and the rest had been history.

When I had felt insecure, he had been there; when I had felt embarrassed, he had made himself the center of attention, taking every eye off of me. He had been captivating. I wondered if he knew that. While he had never voiced it, he knew my struggles. He understood my homelife and why I was so behind in school. The semester was almost wrapping up and I was barely making it through. If it weren't for Jasper, I would have flunked out. _He deserves better than me. Not just as a lover … he deserves a better friend, too. He deserves an equal and an illiterate freak with a temper problem isn't his equal. It's not even fucking close. _

We were worlds apart. No, even further than that. _Galaxies _apart—_light years _away. Suddenly, I wondered if he had just been taking pity on me. Maybe he had seen the dumb kid in his class and thought he should help out. That made more sense than him wanting to be my friend for another reason.

My face rose from my hands and I stared out of my window, looking at his overwhelming large house. At least, it was overwhelming to me. I shared a two-bedroom apartment with my dad on the worst side of town. This … this house was fucking magnificent, making me feel even more inferior. _It's all in your mind. Jasper doesn't think about that type of shit! _

Headlights coming in my direction tore my gaze away from his home. Quickly, I turned the keys in my ignition. I didn't want anyone seeing me like this—so broken. The car coming toward me rolled into a park, stopping parallel from Jasper's place near the yard. As the headlights turned off, I recognized the car instantly. _Alice … _Quickly, I wiped away my tears and turned my headlights on. Just as I was about to book it out of the neighborhood, Alice exited the car, noticed my vehicle, and waved at me.

"Fuck," I murmured as she moved toward my driver's side window.

I liked Alice. She was smart, outgoing, and good-natured. Jasper liked her a lot, too. _Fuck, I can't do this. I can't talk to her right now. Not like this. _She knocked on my window before I could bail. Already feeling like an asshole, I knew I couldn't avoid her. She had been nothing but nice to me in the past. I wiped off my face again before rolling down my window.

"Hey, Alice," I started, already feeling awkward.

"Hey to you. Are you coming inside or were you planning on sitting out in your car all night?" she teased in her usual gregarious nature.

"I drove over here and felt sick all the sudden," I lied poorly.

"Want me to run inside and get you some ibuprofen?"

"Naw, I'm all right," I said with a dismissive wave of my hand, wanting to get the hell out of here. "I'm just going to get going. Have a good night, all right?"

"All right …" she trailed off, seeming as confused as I felt.

She stepped away from the car and gave me a small smile, waving her hand as I backed out and maneuvered around her. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck in a room with Jasper and Alice. They would be happy and I would just be fucking existing. _Dammit! If I could only say how I fucking felt. If I could say something, maybe some of this pain could go away. Maybe … _

No, who the fuck was I kidding. I doubted I would ever be able to say anything to him. I couldn't face him. I couldn't risk being turned down, which was inevitable. _So, I'll continue pretending … it's all I can do, isn't it? Pretend … pretend and hope for the best … What do I hope for, anyway? Do I hope that one day he'll fall in love with me? Do I hope that one day, he'll notice what's right in front of him? No. I can't hope that. Hopes like that will get me into trouble. He won't love me. We'll separate. That's all there is. _

_That's all there is. _

_Isn't it? _

**A/N: Sorry if you're disappointed that I'm writing this instead of finishing my other stories. I just really wanted to get this story out since it's been on my mind. Idk, whenever I feel like giving up on writing fanfiction (or writing in general), I get a new idea. Hope you enjoy this story! If not, that's okay, too. **


	2. Chapter 1: I Can't Leave You Alone

**One More Time, One More Chance**

**Chapter 1: **

**I Can't Leave You Alone**

With my eyes trained on my desk, I felt him enter the classroom. I wasn't ready to look up—not yet. Every time I looked at him now, it hurt. Not only did it hurt, I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed for lying to him like this. I couldn't express myself, but I wanted to more than anything. If I told him, it wouldn't be face to face. Years may pass before I ever had the courage to do that. _If I ever found the courage at all. _

"Edward! Hey!"

I heard him coming toward me, causing me to stiffen in my seat. The vein in my neck pulsed as I tried to control my expression. I didn't want him to think something was off about me. I didn't want him to ask why I seemed so different. I had loved him all along, of course, but just recently, I had realized how deep my feelings were. I felt like I was swimming in the ocean, feeling nothing but water under my feet, wondering where the ocean floor was and unable to make it out in the darkness. When I looked at him, I didn't know where my feelings for him ended. Just like dark waters beneath my bare feet, it was scary.

"Edward?"

With hesitation, my eyes rose from the pencil marks on my desk and met Jasper's gaze.

"You're spacey today," Jasper continued with a relaxed smile. "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing," I mumbled, leaning back in my seat. "I guess I'm just worried about the test today."

"You didn't study?"

"Na, not really."

I forced a smile, wondering if it was as transparent as it felt. Jasper slid into his seat next to me, causing my entire body to come to life. My muscles ached with tension and my heart grew heavy in my chest. _Will it always be like this? Is friendship truly impossible? _My right hand balled into a fist as I sat perfectly still, praying to God that class would start soon. Once the teacher began speaking, I would be able to focus on something else. _Hopefully. Sometimes, it feels like nothing will take my mind off of him. _

"You still want to hit up that vinyl store after school?" Jasper asked, leaning back in his seat with a smile.

He had just gotten into collecting records. Alice had put him onto it. It was nice that he wanted to share interests with her. _He really fucking likes her, doesn't he? _Of course, he did. What was I thinking? I rearranged my expression and turned to him, smiling again as if my mind was completely clear.

"I don't know … I have a lot to get done tonight."

"You procrastinated again? Come on, man. We'll be quick."

He was always persistent about things he wanted. Despite the weirdness I felt, I couldn't deny him. I would take friendship over nothing. I would be whatever he needed me to be. That's what love was, after all. If he needed a friend, I could be his friend. A brother, I could fill that role, too. A lover … I would fill that without hesitation. If friendship is the only thing that he wanted from me, I would give it to him. He could have my whole heart if he wanted it. And even if he didn't, I would give it to him unconditionally.

"Man?" Jasper asked, his face scrunched with confusion.

"Sorry." I shook the thoughts from my head, almost blushing as I continued. "That's cool with me. We can go there and look around for a bit."

"Awesome, man. Thanks. I hate going to new places alone."

He smiled, seeming at ease again. _So, it wasn't my company he cared about. He just didn't want to be alone … _I would voice my thoughts out loud in my usual teasing manner, but now I felt weird about doing so. If I said something like that, I felt I would sound like some clingy girlfriend. _Maybe I'm just overthinking things—being paranoid. I wouldn't put it past me. _

Finally, the teacher joined us from his post in the hallway and began today's lesson. While I never paid too much attention in class, I did love the opportunity it gave me to daydream. When the teacher spoke, everything else fell silent and I could mess around in my own head. _This is probably why my grades are shit. _A slight smile tugged on my lips at the thought. I couldn't help myself; I didn't feel like I fit in here. It was too _structured_, too monotonous for me. Whenever I was here, I felt trapped. _Hell, even when I'm not here I feel trapped, too. _I was in a funk. I didn't like where I was but I didn't have a single clue how to change it. Right now, I was just drifting, trying to maneuver in dark waters.

Class came to a close and Jasper and I went our separate ways. We wouldn't be seeing each other again until the final bell rang. Lucky for me, we only had one class in common. That meant I could spend the rest of the day clearing my mind. _Which never worked … _

During chemistry, I tried to focus, but like with every class, my attention was short. If I wasn't captivated by something, I deemed it not worthy of my time. School didn't captivate me. Hell, the only thing that seemed to captivate me was a boy I couldn't have.

"Are you even paying attention today?"

I turned my head and found Jessica staring at me with her usual, flirtatious smile tugging at her lips. She was pretty and she knew it. _I wish I was that annoyingly fucking confident. _While I wasn't attracted to her, I liked the attention. Her attentions distracted me from other things for a while.

"When do I ever pay attention?" I challenged, throwing her a cocky grin.

She giggled at this, eyelids fluttering as she flushed. I straightened my back, turning toward her more.

"I guess I'm just bored here," I shrugged, reaching out to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.

She giggled at this, blushed, and turned back to her book. I didn't fully understand why I messed around with her like this. _Boredom. Boredom and the feeling of being fucking trapped here. _I turned my focus toward the window to my left, staring out at the rainy day. _Bleak—just like my mood. _

Between the dreary weather and my sullen mood, the rest of the day had gone by in a blur. I loved the blur, everything faded around me and my thoughts became mutterings in the background. In the blur, I had still seen him; Jasper was never far from my thoughts. He should be finishing up gym now. Sometimes, I waited near the field, watching him practice with the other guys. He was always so carefree and light, unlike me. I never felt light. I always felt like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders.

The rain had cleared by the clouds were still dark and threatening. I breathed in a long, calming breath as I left the building and moved toward the field to meet him. While I felt somewhat like a voyeur, I didn't care. This was the only chance I could really watch him. He was too wrapped up in the sport to notice me staring.

Today, he wore running pants and a white T-shirt which was just tight enough to display the muscles of his back. I moved to stand by the fence. A shudder ran through me as my arm stretched out and my hand wrapped around the wire of the chain link fence. I gripped it tightly, feeling almost ashamed as I continued to watch him. _He's my friend and here I am leering at him. Fuck. _

I pushed those thoughts aside. I knew I wasn't being transparent. If this was the only chance I got to look at him—_really _look at him—I was going to take it. I watched as he laughed; I watched as he freely chatted with others; I watched his confident stride as he moved off the field to get changed. As he traversed across the freshly cut grass, his head turned and his eyes scanned the perimeter of the field before they found me. Then, he smiled, lighting up his entire face. I felt my face flush as my eyes dropped down. They remained on the beat-up toe-guards of my converse before they shot back up to meet his gaze. He was still peering in my direction and when I looked back, he waved at me before signaling he would only be a few minutes.

I shied away from the fence, stepping back as I tried to appear uninterested. Inside, I was reeling. My heart was beating loudly in my chest and I closed my eyes, trying to calm the fluttering. Taking deep breaths, I tried not to smile. I tried … but I couldn't help it. A smile broke out on my face, and for a moment, I actually felt weightless. Moments before, I felt like we had shared something. At least on my end, I felt a spark.

My smile made my cheeks hurt. I couldn't remember the last time I smiled like this—it felt like forever. Jasper made me smile but when I was right in front of him, I couldn't let myself go like this; I was too self-conscious to appear as purely happy as I felt. Now that I was alone, I could smile with my entire face. _Was this pathetic? Was I being pathetic? A smile can't be that meaningful. _It felt meaningful, though. I never smile much outside of school—I never smile much at home. So now, I enjoyed the feeling. I allowed myself a moment to bask in it. Soon, feelings like this would be rare. When I ripped off the band-aid, when I was no longer in Jasper's life, I wasn't sure if I would ever feel happiness like this again.

"Hey! Thanks for waiting!" Jasper called out as he ran toward me.

"No problem," I replied, taking a step forward. "I couldn't stand being in that building a second longer. I swear, I'm allergic to that place."

"I feel you. Ready to get going?"

"Yeah."

"Want to eat first?"

"Yeah, that's cool with me."

He smiled at this, falling in step beside me as we headed toward the trail leading to town.

"We should go to this new Ramen place. I took Alice there the other day and it was bomb."

_He took Alice there and now he's taking me? Why do I feel so jealous? God, what is he doing to me …? _I had nothing to be jealous about. Jasper and I were nothing—no matter how desperate I was for things to be different. _I have to get used to this feeling. I have to learn to accept it. _

In that moment, I realized if we were going to remain friends, we would have to separate for a while. I couldn't carry on like this; I couldn't watch his life happen feeling as though I didn't have a true part in it. I needed to work all summer, I needed to go to college somewhere else, I had to find myself and learn who I was without him. Otherwise, this would never work. If I stayed, I would forever feel like this. I would forever feel as if I were standing in someone else's shadow. _Could I live like that? _I knew I couldn't. Today would be my last carefree day with him.

I would enjoy it. I would enjoy every minute of it because I knew after today, things would be different. _I _would be different. My friendship with him will fizzle out. I teared up at the thought and every muscle in my face clenched as I tried to push the pain away. _You chose this. You. It's for the best. Soon, school will be over. Soon, you'll be able to move on—to find yourself. _I had become so wrapped up in Jasper, I had forgotten who I was without him. He had become part of my identity. I had wanted it that way. I had lusted after him since the moment I saw him; I had loved him from the moment he reached out to me and helped me with my homework. Then, I had felt guilty about lusting after him. My affections for him became so pure. What I felt was more than attraction—what I felt was something that overwhelmed me, something I hadn't recognized.

"You're quiet today," Jasper commented as we made it into town.

"Really? I'm always quiet," I teased.

"I know, I know. Sometimes you just get really caught up in your thoughts. It's like you're trying to figure something out."

"Yeah, well the end of the semester is kind of stressing me out."

"Don't let it. All your grades are good, aren't they?"

"Yeah, they're fine. A lot better now, thanks to your help."

"See? There's nothing to worry about. I'll help you study for your final exams, if you think it'll help."

"Maybe," I muttered, wondering if I could handle being alone with him for a prolonged period of time.

"You have the confidence to do it yourself now?"

"Something like that." I shrugged.

Jasper stopped in front of me, causing me to nearly run into him. I jumped back, flushing before my gaze moved, taking in my surroundings.

"We're here. God, I nearly walked right past it." He laughed as he reached to open the restaurant's door. "You'll love this place, man."

"If you like it, I'm sure I'll like it," I said without thinking.

_God the way I said that … Jesus. _

We went inside and placed our order. After that, I almost felt too self-conscious to speak. Deep down, I knew Jasper wasn't picking up on my feelings but I couldn't stifle the paranoia I felt. Now that I knew how deeply my emotions ran, I felt as though they were transparent to everyone. However, it seemed Jasper was oblivious. _Probably because he didn't look at me the same way. _That thought made me sad. As much as the idea of him finding out would kill me, I almost _wanted _him to notice. In my fantasies he would notice and tell me he had always felt the same way. But those were only fantasies, this was real, and reality was never that kind.

Jasper chatted, barely noticing my silence. _Or perhaps he did notice and that's why he kept talking. He never liked awkward pauses. _I never felt like silence was awkward. I loved the silence. Especially when I was with someone I loved. It was comfortable. In the quiet, it was like we both were comfortable enough with each other to go on without a word. Instead, we could feed off of each other's energies. Jasper had always been loud and gregarious. He was my opposite in almost every way. I supposed that was one of the reasons I loved him so much. He made up for everything I lacked. We both evened each other out.

After lunch, we headed to the record store nearby. It started to rain again as we walked. It was a light shower, nothing major, but I felt myself walking close to Jasper. Heat radiated off of his body, making me feel warm. _I always feel warm when I'm near him. _We walked with both of our hoods up, trying to avoid getting too wet. However, after a few minutes, Jasper lowered his hood and tilted his head toward the sky. He smiled a smile that was so epic, I found myself smiling too as I committed his expression to memory.

"I love the rain. This is the perfect weather," he mused.

"I like it, too."

_I liked anything he liked. _

"Did you ever dance around in the rain as a kid?" he asked as he continued to look toward the cloudy sky.

"Sometimes. I would dance outside with my mom sometimes. She loved the rain, too."

"I did that," he replied with a chuckle. "I would do that until my older brother would come out and tease me. We would always end up chasing each other around the backyard."

I remained silent, never knowing what to say to him. Every idea sounded awkward in my mind so I said nothing, happy to finally be approaching the store. Jasper smiled as he saw the vinyl store sign and grabbed my hand, pulling me inside. I felt my body flush at the feeling of his palm warm against mine. The reaction felt almost childish but it was one my body couldn't help. I yearned for him and if a simple gesture like this was all I was ever to receive, I could live with that.

"Isn't this place great?" Jasper asked as we stumbled inside.

I smiled. It was great. _I have to enjoy this day. I don't think I'll be able to hang out with him for a long time after this. I feel so guilty … so dishonest. _Jasper pulled me further into the store, never letting go of my hand. I basked in the feeling, committing it to memory, too. When we finally reached the back of the store, filled with used and new records, he let go of my hand, smiling at me before he traversed across the wooden floors to the table covered in boxes of rock LPs. I stood back for a moment, watching his animated face as he flipped through the selection. I was getting my fill of every second of him, already afraid to let go. I didn't want to let go … but I knew for him, and for myself, I had to. I couldn't carry on like this. No one could.

I walked over to the "classics" selection of vinyl and began to flip through as well. _Maybe I should get something. Something to remember the day by. _I flipped until I came across a familiar favorite and pulled it out, looking at the condition of the record for a moment before deciding on it. I didn't have a player but that didn't matter, I would get one, one day. This purchase was just about remembering him. Remembering today. When we went our separate ways, studying apart, I wanted to be able to listen to this. I wanted to listen to this and remember this moment—remember the way I felt.

"You find something?" I heard Jasper call out.

I turned around, finding him holding a stack of vinyl already. I held up my finding and was met with a smile of approval from him. He seemed so relaxed here—I wished I felt that way, too. I was too nervous in his presence. I gave him an awkward smile as I crossed the room to meet him near the rock LPs.

"I can't believe you found so many already." I laughed. "Do you even have enough money to cover all that?"

"Well, Dad gave me food money for the week and so did Mom. They don't really communicate so I just pocketed the cash. I eat school lunch so I thought I'd just spend it here."

"I wish my parents were like that. They're way too invested in everything I do."

Jasper chuckled at this. "Well, don't they still think you're 'troubled' or whatever?"

"Yeah. I guess I can't blame them."

"You have enough to cover that?" he asked, gesturing toward my record.

"Yeah, just about."

Truly, I was fucking broke. I had less than sixty dollars in my bank account and knew I shouldn't be spending like this. However, this was important, so, I could justify the purchase.

"Here, let me buy it for you. I know after last weekend, you can't have much left over."

"You really don't have to do that," I insisted, feeling almost embarrassed as I pulled the record away.

"It's no problem," he insisted, reaching for it to add to his stack.

"Jasper—"

"Come on, man. It's no big deal. Like I said, I have plenty of money I shouldn't even have. Share some with me. You're my best friend, after all. This is what best friends do."

My heart stopped for a moment. Until now, I never knew he considered me his best friend. Unlike me, he had so many friends to chose from. Outside of him, I barely had anyone. I had my parents and a few acquaintances. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have an entire circle of friends like he does. I supposed if I ever put myself out there, I could have had more. Jasper even tried to invite me to group outings on a few occasions. I always declined, though. I felt uncomfortable around so many people I didn't know. All of his friends were smart or talented or both. I would feel like a fucking outcast if I were there. I'm neither of those things. I knew if I went, Jasper would hang around me all night, worried I would just be sitting around if he didn't, and I would feel bad for taking him away from everyone else. _God, we're so different … _

Despite our differences, he considered me his best friend. I wonder how he would feel when I tore myself from his life. Maybe he would feel sad at first, but only because he didn't know my reasoning. If he knew the truth—if he knew the pain I felt—he would be happy that I left. _Wouldn't he? _

"It's really cool, man. I got it."

"Dude, it's on me. If I want to do it, just let me," Jasper insisted as he swiped the record from my grasp and added it to his stack.

A melancholy smile tugged at my lips. _This was it … I've already determined this will be our last day hanging out together for a very, very long time. Until I got my shit together, this was it. _

This was it. Could I accept that? Could I leave him? Could I ever express the feelings bubbling inside of me? The ones that won't leave me alone, regardless of my efforts? My feelings are all I have. My feelings are all that is left.

I wished I was different.

I wished our relationship was different.

Wishes like that couldn't come true. Until I spoke up—until I did something—it would always be like this. I couldn't speak up, though. Not yet. Once I found myself, I would find him again. Until then, I'd remember today.


	3. Chapter 2: Can You You See Me?

**Hello, everyone who is reading this! Truly, I didn't know how small the audience was for different pairings. However, I don't care how many people read this story, I love writing this. I haven't had this much fun writing in a while. I feel like I can picture this entire story in my head. I just wanted to say, thank you, whoever is reading this and reviewing this! Your reviews mean the world to me. Every time I post a chapter, I just wait to see what you guys will say. I was so thrilled to see Rita was reading this one, too! I'm such a big fan of her blog and find so many awesome stories because of her. Also, I'm so thrilled to see so many familiar faces (screen names) reading this. I literally fan girl over all of you haha. I'm trying to get better at responding to reviews but since I don't have tons of time, it's hard. So, just know that all of you rock my world. Thanks for giving this story a chance, despite it not being an Edward and Bella tale. Also, excuse my grammatical errors. I'm so eager to post, I don't have this beta'd. See you all next chapter! **

**One More Time, One More Chace**

**Chapter 2: **

**Can You See Me Like I Can See You? **

"Are you hearing me?"

Their words floated through my mind but didn't resonate with me. I could hear them speak but the sounds muffled into a series of vibrations in my ears. My spirit seemed to float above my body, skeptically watching over the whole ordeal.

_How could this be … It doesn't make any sense … _

"Edward?"

My eyes blinked as I took a deep breath, trying to center myself and gain focus. The world around me was a mocking blur. The weight on my shoulders felt heavier than usual and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being pulled underneath the dark waters I had been treading. _Maybe I want to sink …? Maybe sinking would feel freeing. It would certainly feel better than this. _

"I hear you, Mom," I responded, cringing as the word "mom" passed through my lips.

_How could this be? Why would they wait until now to tell me? _

I couldn't look at them. To me, they felt like strangers. I had never understood myself. After falling head over heels for Jasper, I became even less self-aware—I had felt even more lost. If I looked in the mirror at this very moment, I doubted I would recognize the man staring back at me. I would see the familiar eyes and features but I wouldn't be able to wrap my mind around who the mirror presented. I felt like an outlander in my own body. My skin inched as if my soul was yearning to jump out of it.

"We wanted to tell you sooner … we were always looking for the right time."

"Were you?" I asked before I could pause and think.

How was two weeks after my high school graduation the "right time"? Two weeks had past before I could blink. _Two weeks since I saw his face … Two weeks since I've heard his voice. _He had called and texted me countless times and yet, I never had the courage to answer the phone or respond to him. I had wanted to be alone. I had to distant myself if I ever wanted to move on. We had no future together. Hell, we hadn't a present either.

When he wasn't around, I was confused. Now, with this added burden, I felt like I couldn't breathe. The truth flooded my mind and ripped through my chest, making me feel like I was being suffocated. _How could this be? Right when I was moving on with my life, they throw this at me. What do they want me to do now? _

"Do you know who she is? Do you know who either of them are?"

"You were left behind at a hospital … We had lost our child and then … there was you … A young man had brought you there but we never knew his name."

"And the woman?"

_My mother … And my mother? _

"She was a teenager. All I know is that she didn't give birth at that hospital."

The two adults before me, the people who were apparently my parents in every way other than blood, had been introduced to me in their late thirties. They had lived their lives and prepared for a child before I came into the picture. They had given me everything I could have wanted and more. They had always made me feel both protected and loved. Yet, I wanted to know the love of the two who had left me behind. Was that normal? Was that selfish of me? How could I want more when I already had so much?

"We wanted to tell you, Edward. It was eating me up inside," my mother said as she reached forward, grabbing my hand.

I felt numb. _Why had they lied to me for so long? Why had they let me believe something which wasn't true? Who am I now? Who have I been? _

"Why now? Why wait so long? Have either of them ever reached out?"

_Have either of them ever wanted me? _

"Once," my mother said after a long pause. "Once, the girl did. You were a toddler and she … well, her life had been a mess. She knew that, I think. She just wanted to see you once, she said … I let her. She watched you play and when I asked if she wanted to introduce herself, not as your mother but as a friend, she backed away, apologized, and left. She never left any information and after that … Well, that was that, I guess. The boy never came. I don't know if they were a couple or what."

My body rose from the couch as my mind played catch-up, trying to absorb Mom's words. My vision was hazy but even through the blur, I saw my dad shift uncomfortably in his seat. He nearly squirmed under my gaze, seeming broken as he slumped forward and dropped his head into his hands. The rational part of my mind knew this was hard for them—but they had been living with the truth. I hadn't had that luxury. My life had been a lie. I was an entirely different person. Everything felt foreign now—out of place and unrecognizable.

Turning, I headed toward the door, needing fresh air and a cigarette. My parents, immobile on the couch, said nothing. I had expected them to call out but too ashamed, they had remained silent. _Good_, I thought. They didn't need to apologize to me for keeping me in the dark. Their words would mean nothing. If they had felt sorry, they would have spoken up sooner. They wouldn't have waited until now, when I was already so lost, to tell me.

When I was being reasonable, I understood how much they have done for me; I understood the lengths they went for me and the hurdles they jumped through. However, these thoughts and considerations did little to alleviate the burning in my chest or the weight crushing down on me. In the end, I felt removed from the world around me—I felt like an alien.

An alien … I always felt that way. Even before now. Even before this.

Shoving the cigarette in my mouth, I yanked out my lighter, trying to escape my own thoughts. _Was I unwanted? Did she know, even before I could speak, that I was different? Could she feel that I wasn't a child she wanted? _As much as I hated it, tears pricked my fucking eyes. I hung my head and tried to blink them away. I wouldn't cry about this. Crying wouldn't change a damn thing. Now, I was more lost than ever and I felt that I had no one to blame but myself.

Leaning back against the brick, I slowly slid down to the ground until I sat cross-legged against the front of my home. _My home … it barely feels like my home anymore. I hate myself for thinking it, but I don't know where I belong anymore. _Clouds covered the sun, leaving my face chilled. The wind shifted around me, transforming from calm to chaotic in a few heartbeats. Lifting my face, I allowed the wind to dance across my cheeks, causing them to turn flushed as my lips felt icy. I smiled, loving when the weather matched my mood.

Thankfully, my parents never bothered me. I didn't want them to approach me and I appreciated that they realized I needed my space. I needed time to think. So, I watched as the clouds morphed into something monstrous and ditched my hoodie as the wind became unforgiving. There was something eating me up inside, like a hole in my stomach becoming wider and wider and deeper and deeper. A part of myself was gone. I wondered if I would ever find it again. All of my memories felt tainted now. The past was no longer filled with vivid colors; instead, it was a blur of gray.

I bit down on my lip as the muscles in my face clenched, twitching as I tried to restrain my emotions. I wouldn't allow my feelings to show on my face. I wouldn't. I pushed away from the wall and stood up, walking away from my house with my hoodie crumbled on the ground. I needed to get away from here. I didn't know where I would go, but that didn't matter. Anywhere but here would be fine. Directionless, I walked out of my neighborhood, ignoring the rain as it poured down on me, soaking my clothes completely.

My phone buzzed against my thigh as it laid snuggly in the pocket of my drenched jeans. For a moment, I didn't want to answer it, assuming it was my parents growing worried. _Parents … was it weird to call them that now? I didn't know what the protocol was with this shit. _Numbly, I reached into my pocket, grabbing my cellphone. Without looking at the number on screen, I accepted the call and pressed the phone against my ear.

"Edward? What's up man, I've been texting you."

Jasper's voice only put me more on edge. He was the first person I wanted to hear from and the last person I wanted to hear from. His voice was comforting and destructive at the same time. My heart raced and no matter how many times I opened and closed my mouth, words didn't escape. I gaped out at the night, allowing my emotions to control me for a moment before I stifled them.

"Sorry … I've been busy," I replied lamely, barely recognizing my own voice.

"You sound weird. Are you okay?"

Leave it to Jasper to recognize my distress over the phone.

"I'm fine."

"What are you doing? You want to meet up? You're always so busy these days … I barely catch you."

_I've been avoiding you for your own good, don't you get that? Being around you … being around you is too distressing. If we can ever be friends, I can't be around you right now. I have to wait until I can control my heart—I have to wait until my emotions don't control my mind. _

"Sorry. Summer job and everything is keeping me busy."

"Where are you working? You never told me."

_Do I want to tell him? What if he shows up without warning? _

"Are you okay, man, really?" he asked after a few heartbeats passed without a sound from me.

I approached a park. In the rain, I was the only one here. Memories flooded my mind and left a bitter taste in my mouth. _I came here with my parents … except, they weren't my parents, were they? What the fuck is this? _Squinting, I grew irritated at the tears filling my eyes. They loved me—they did dumb fucking shit like this with me all the time growing up—didn't that make them my parents? Who cared if they weren't my flesh and blood? Who cared if I wasn't really their son?

"Where are you, man? I'll come to you," Jasper said after a few more moments of silence from me.

Sitting down on one of the swings, seat slick from the rain, I closed my eyes and pushed myself back and forth. I did want him with me, but what would that mean for us? I'd selfishly take his comfort and then would selfishly push him away. In the end, I would feel worse. Was instant gratification worth the pain I would experience later? Was it worth the pain it would cause him?

"I'm at a park," I answered before I could think anymore.

"The one by your place?"

Of course, he knew it. We'd come here together before.

"Yep."

"It's raining, though. Are you just sitting out there?"

"Yep."

He was silent for a moment, before answering, "I'll be there in a few. I'll bike over."

I didn't know what to say and, apparently, he didn't know what to say either. Awkwardly, we ended the call in unison. I stared at the screen for a moment, allowing the appearance of his name to comfort me before the screen turned to black. Then, I only saw my reflection. My features were distorted as they mirrored in the screen of my phone. Strangely, this version of me seemed corrected—dark, distorted, and disturbed. The reflection felt as out of whack as I felt.

I slid the phone back into my pocket, not bothering to worry about the damage the dampness could cause as I began to swing. I should feel carefree at a time like this, however, I felt heavy. The weight crumpling down on me seemed impossible to lose. _Maybe I didn't want to lose it? How would I feel being weightless, anyway? Then, I'm sure I really wouldn't feel like myself. _

"Edward!"

Slowly, I turned my gaze to find Jasper biking toward me. He was out of breath, drenched, and flushed on his cheeks and neck. The hood of his sweatshirt must have fallen when he was riding over here, causing his curly hair to be slick against his head, looking straighter than I had ever seen it. I captured this image of him in my mind, committing it to memory. In this moment, he was fucking beautiful. Bright-eyed and fucking beautiful. I had committed many images of him to memory but for some reason, I felt like this image would stick the most.

"Yo," I answered, lifting a limp hand to wave.

He rolled his bike to a stop before hopping off and dropping the kick stand. Leaving it on the sidewalk, he approached me, considering my expression as he searched for the right words to say. He opened his mouth, closed it, and instead of speaking, decided to sit beside me on the vacant swing.

"You look rough," he said tactlessly, his smile saving me from cringing.

"I've had a rough fucking summer," I answered, so quietly, I wondered if he heard me.

He did. Over the harsh sound of the rain against the ground around us, he found a way to reach me.

"Why don't you talk to me about it, then? Since graduation, we haven't hung out once."

"You've been busy with Alice," I said without thinking, shrinking at the sound of jealously in my tone.

"Yeah, well, she's my girlfriend," he replied with a chuckle. "But that doesn't mean I can't hang out with my friends. What kind of relationship would that be?"

I shrugged, feeling stupid.

"Alice has been asking about you lately. She said that every time she runs into you, you seem weird."

"Wow, thanks," I said sarcastically, although, I knew exactly what she meant by "weird." I had been acting freaking odd around her. But, how should I treat a girl whose boyfriend I'm in love with? If I acted like her friend now, wouldn't that be worse in the end?

"She didn't mean anything bad by it. I think she's worried that you don't like her or something. I assured her that wasn't the case but now that you're never around, I'm not sure she believes me."

"I'm sorry," I replied half-heartedly.

"Don't be. I know you've had your own mess going on."

"Yeah."

"Did … did something happen today?"

"You mean, why the hell am I hanging outside in the storm? Something bad has to 've happened?"

He shrugged. "I don't know? You just wanted to get sick and skip out on work?"

He smiled and I rolled my eyes.

"I don't know if I can talk about it."

I looked at him while I spoke, watching his eyes widen before his brows creased.

"I thought we could talk about anything?"

He sounded offended.

"This is too fucked."

He was silent for a moment before he let go of the chain on the swing and reached forward with his right hand to capture my left. My eyes widened and my back straightened as I held onto a breath. I knew it was only a friendly gesture, I knew he didn't care for me like I did him, but I still allowed my imagination to wonder for a moment. And, in that moment, I felt free enough to tell him.

"I was adopted."

His grip tightened. I didn't look at his face, but I could easily imagine what it looked like: wide, shiny eyes, raised brows, dropped jaw, and flushed cheeks. It was the way he always looked when he felt at a loss for words.

"How—how did you find out?"

"What do you mean? My parents told me, that's how I found out." I paused for a moment, and then a sardonic laugh escaped me. "Can I even call them that anymore? I mean, they aren't really my parents."

"They're still your parents, man."

I couldn't control it anymore. I didn't want to. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over, mixing with the rain drops on my cheeks. As the tears feel, my jaw began to relax and my tense muscles calmed enough for my teeth to stop grinding together. While crying, my jaw continued to shift back and forth, repeating the grinding motion despite my rows of teeth being millimeters apart.

Jasper let go of my hand, causing my jaw to clench again. I almost cried out like a fucking baby before he wrapped his right arm around my shoulder and, despite the chains between us, pulled me close. The chains of our swings tangled together as our feet stopped moving. Turning my head, I cried into his sweatshirt, allowing the gentle rise and fall of his right shoulder to comfort me.

"I'm fucked up, aren't I?" I said against his shoulder.

I felt him shake his head.

"No, dude. Not at all. Not at all, I would never think that 'bout you."

"Why would they leave me behind, then? Why would she leave me?"

He shook his head again.

"I don't know, man. Maybe they thought they were doing right by you."

"They weren't!" I cried out, nearly doubling over as pain coursed through me.

The two people who brought me into this world were unknown to me—strangers. I knew I was lucky to have my folks back at home—I appreciated them more and more every day—but, that didn't stifle the desire to meet my blood.

"Maybe one day, you'll find them," Jasper said hopefully, bending his head down to rub his cheek back and forth against my hair, similarly to the way my mother would when I was much younger.

I froze, enjoying the feel of him too much. Despite the pain I was going through, despite the conflicting emotions raging inside of me, I still burned for him. Sometimes, the desire made me feel like I was losing my mind. I couldn't be normal to yearn for a person this much.

"Even if you don't find them, aren't you happy right now."

Right now, I was happy. With Jasper's arm around me, how couldn't I be?

I was too numb to think. Gently, I raised my head, causing him to draw back. Wordlessly, I gazed at him. As he stared back at me, I found confliction dancing in his eyes. Knowing a moment like this wouldn't come again, I wanted to relish in it. Right now, I hated everything. I hated my birth parents for abandoning me, I hated the only parents I had ever known for waiting until now to tell me the truth, and, most importantly, I hated myself. Every day, I hated myself.

I hated myself for lying to everyone.

I hated myself for driving away my best friend.

I hated myself for the destruction I caused in my life, and the lives of others.

I hated myself for being here.

Although, when I looked at Jasper, that hate lessened. It turned into a dull pain I could contain. Looking into his eyes, I saw the version of myself I wanted most to be. I believed I saw that version, because it was how he pictured me. He didn't see my flaws, he saw his best friend. That's why, I hated myself for what I was about to do. Following my heart, I knew he would change his view of me.

He may hate me, too.

However, my face still titled toward him—my lips still moved forward, searching for his. I moved slowly and, probably confused, he didn't pull away. He watched me with guarded eyes and an open expression. I looked at him one last time, memorizing this image too, before I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his.

His mouth was better than I imaged it. Soft in places and rough in others. He didn't respond to my kiss but in the moment, I didn't care. As my lips moved, I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted his love, sure, but also, for a moment, I didn't want to feel alone in this world. Maybe my kissing him was selfish? Maybe I was a masochist, turned on by unrequited love. In this moment, I didn't care about what the reason behind my actions was. I was too mystified by the fact he had yet to pull away.

I savored the kiss a moment longer before ending it. Too afraid, I didn't look at him. I imagined what his face would look like instead. I pictured his features twisted with disgust and confusion and anger and … I stopped, not wanting to envision it any longer.

"What was that?" he said, his voice dead.

I rose from my swing, nearly tripping as my legs were numb. I walked a few steps away, putting a safe distance between us, before I responded.

"I don't know … I just felt like it, I guess," I mumbled, staring at my beat-up kicks.

"What do you expect me to say?" he questioned.

"Nothing. I don't expect anything." Kicking gravel, I continued, "I'm heading back. Sorry I fucked up your night."

"Edward—"

Raising a hand, I interrupted him. "Don't get all weird, dude. Just let it go. I'm sorry, okay? I'm just so freaking confused right now."

I was confused about a lot of things but I was never confused about my feelings toward him.

After that, he didn't say anything. I walked him in the rain, wondering if I would ever see Jasper again. I messed up tonight. I shouldn't have blurred the lines between us. He would never look at me the same way again. Right now, he could be wondering if I was some sort of closet freak or some shit like that. With tears in my eyes, I don't know how I made it home.

_What will I do tomorrow? After today, I'm completely exposed … I'll never go back to the guy I was before … The person I was yesterday is a stranger. Who am I now? Who will I be tomorrow? _


	4. 3: Are You Living In The Real World?

**Thank you so much for reading this story! And big thanks to Sally for cleaning it up for me! **

**Chapter 3: **

**Are You Living in The Real World? **

I couldn't hate them for hiding something. It took more courage than I had for them to tell me. They spoke, and suddenly, I wasn't the guy I thought I was. One day, I hoped I would speak and shock them just as much. My stomach turned thinking about it. They would see me differently. It was inevitable. Even if they were the most open-minded people in the world, they wouldn't be able to help it. We paint pictures of people in our mind and when the colors of those pictures don't match up with reality, it's jarring.

Maybe they would love me. Maybe they would push me away. Maybe our relationship would never be the same … All I knew was once the words were spoken, once the truth was out there, I wouldn't be able to retract it. I would expose myself to the universe and hope the universe wanted me.

_God … this is too deep for a Tuesday morning in the middle of summer. _

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and rolled over in bed, staring up at the Japanese Breakfast poster plastered to my ceiling. _It doesn't matter how long I lay here … nothing will be different. I'll still have to face my parents … face Jasper … _I covered my face with my hands, suppressing a scream. I wanted to let everything out, scream, cry, or run until my legs became too weak to move. Every second, I felt imprisoned in my own skin. Over the years, I had become used to this feeling, but recently, every inch of me itches. I wanted to scratch myself until I bled—until everything on the inside escaped.

Closing my eyes, I remembered the taste of his lips and the roughness of his mouth against mine. I remembered the way my tongue had teased his for a moment before I had realized I was losing myself and pulled away. Then, I remembered how a few days had passed and he hadn't reached out to me once. I was too freaked to text him. What would I say, anyway? Sorry for kissing you? Sorry for messing up our steady friendship? Sorry I freaking mauled you when you're in love with Alice. _Alice … God, I wish I could be her. How easy would it be to be considered "normal"? How easy would it be to fall in love with a boy you like without anyone giving you a second glance? _

Flipping over, I buried my face into my pillow. I wanted to disappear into the mattress or, better yet, evaporate into thin air. _I need to get out of bed. I need to reach out to my parents. I need to stop being such a freaking dickhead all the time. _I pressed my face against the pillow for a moment longer before getting up and braving the day. I had always loved the mornings; it felt like every day was a fresh start. However, now, I was starting to hate them. Every day was a fresh start and yet, nothing ever changed for me. I still wore the same clothes, walked the same way, talked to the same people, and hid myself from the world.

Speaking of which, I dragged my ass out of bed and jumped in the shower, using the same shampoo and body wash I had been using for years. Then, I toweled off and smoothed my signature hair gel into my typically unruly mane of copper hair. I threw on a gray button-up shirt and a pair of dark washed skinny jeans before going downstairs and making my usual breakfast: accidently burnt toast and a protein shake. You would think by now I would be able to make toast without it ending up burnt, but like everything else, my bad habits never changed. Every morning, I would be too focused on my phone to worry about the quality of my food.

"Ed … Why don't you ever let me cook for you?" Mom asked as she entered the kitchen, still seeming skittish from the other day.

Leaning back against the kitchen counter, I shrugged, taking a bite of toast. "I don't know. I like the same shit."

"Language," Dad said, entering the room and bending down to give Mom a quick peck on the cheek.

Everything was normal here … except, it wasn't.

This was a typical morning, the start to a typical day, yet, I felt like an outsider here. As high school had wrapped up, my summer had been directionless. Besides work, I had no plans whatsoever. Now, I felt like I had a strange purpose. I wanted to find my birth parents. I wanted to know where they were, and what their lives had been like until now. Did they miss me? Did they wish they hadn't left me behind?

I wasn't unhappy now and I would like to think I wasn't having some sort of existential crisis. All I wanted to know was the truth and what I had been missing out on. Part of me wanted to believe that if I didn't find them, it would all be fine, however, another part of me screamed if I didn't find them, a piece of me would always be missing. My entire life, before I even knew I was gay at the age of nine, I had wondered who I was. Which was probably weird for a little kid, but I had always wanted to see the big picture. Always, I had been a dreamer.

"What's on the agenda for your day off?" Dad asked as he took a seat at the kitchen table.

"I don't know … I haven't decided yet. I might take my laptop to the park."

"That's good. While you're at it, maybe you can make some decisions about school?"

His voice wasn't as stern as it usually was. Maybe he felt a little bad for the other day. I gave him a half-smile, not committing to the idea as I finished off my toast and downed my shake. I walked around the table, giving Mom a kiss on the cheek before I jogged upstairs and got my stuff together. I opened up the backpack I hadn't touched since midway through my last semester of high school—when I had started getting rides from Jasper and carrying my books—and slid my laptop and a notebook and pen inside before zipping it up. As I slide the backpack on one shoulder, I heard a knock from downstairs.

_Company this early, Mom? Maybe I can go out the back undetected. _I was walking toward the stairs as I heard the door open followed by a familiar voice, which made me cringe.

"Edward! You have a visitor!"

Why was he here to see me? After what had happened, I thought he was avoiding me at all costs. Taking a deep breath, I bounded down the steps, stopping short when I saw the girl beside him. _Why were they both here? Did they mean to confront me about something? I don't have time for this shit. As guilty as I feel, I don't want to hear it. _

"Hey," I said lamely as I jumped off the final step. I pushed past them, knowing how rude I was being. "I'm just heading out. Did you need something?" I asked as I turned around.

Mom gave me a confused look and when Jasper turned toward her, she gave him an apologetic smile. Alice was looking at me but not differently than she always looked at me. Searching her eyes, I wondered if she knew. She looked pretty, calm, and collected, just like her normal self. I supposed nothing changed about her either. I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. Mom, not knowing what to do, smiled at Alice and Jasper before she looked to me, confusion coloring her features as she shut the front door.

"You still want to see that movie?" Jasper asked, surprising me.

_He wants us all to go to a movie together? Why? What would I do? Sit next to them as they held hands and snacked on popcorn together? Did he just want to throw their relationship in my face or something? _

I hated this. Jasper was pretty much one of my only friends. Everyone else was either busy with work, on vacation, or had moved away during high school. Soon, everyone I knew would be gone. In a way, I liked this. Maybe when they were all gone, I would feel capable of being myself. It was hard to be honest with the people I'd known the longest. If they were a stranger or an acquaintance, I wouldn't care what they thought of me. It was so easy to speak freely with those you don't love. When you faced someone you knew your whole life, it was harder.

"I'm busy today, man," I said in my usual tone, as if nothing had happened between us.

"We made these plans a while ago," Alice said, cocking her head as she looked at me.

_Shit, we did, didn't we? We've been talking about seeing _Ralph Breaks the Internet _for a while now. We've been joking about how we would be the oldest people in the theater. _

"It's a nice day, and for once, I actually have it off. I'm going to head to the park."

"By yourself?" Alice asked, leaning against the boy at her side who was so into her, it hurt.

"Yep. I don't know. I guess I just need some alone time."

Jasper looked like he wanted to say something but never spoke up. He looked just as uncomfortable and confused as I felt. With Alice hanging all over him, I didn't want to look his way. _She's his girlfriend, so what do you expect? _

"We could skip the movie … come with you if you want?" he suggested as his neck grew splotchy, the way it always did when he was irritated or nervous about something.

"No, man. That's cool. You guys go have fun. Besides, I never saw the original. No point of me going to this one." I shrugged, forcing a smile on my face. "You kids go; have fun," I teased, although my joking sounded uncomfortable.

Without saying another word or waiting around for them to respond, I turned on my heel and headed for my car—an old Civic from the 1990s. This car was older than me but that hadn't stopped me from being stoked when Dad gave it to me. Throwing my backpack in the passenger seat, I gave the couple a wave before sliding into the driver's seat and shoving my key into the ignition. I didn't look over at the pair, but I knew they were still staring at me. What would they do? I left them standing there outside my house, after all.

Throwing in a Killers CD, I took off, driving to the only park I knew. It was a twenty-minute drive, which was brutal because the entire time, I couldn't get my mind off of him. His expression was glued to my mind and I felt like he was looking at me, even though now, he was miles away. Honestly, I always felt like his eyes were on me. It was more wishful thinking than anything else. I liked imagining that he noticed me all the time. Noticed me in a way that was totally different than a "best friend." _In my own mind, I could pretend he notices me as a lover, couldn't I? _

Rolling up to the park, I still had him on my mind. I parked, grabbed my bag, and slid out of the car, enjoying the fresh summer air as I inhaled. Today would be a new day. As kids played around me, screaming and carefree as they tackled the jungle gym with their friends, I couldn't help but feel lonely. They had their entire lives ahead of them, and despite being just eighteen, I wanted a redo. I wished there were a way to go back in time and relive the past few years. I would do things differently. Maybe I would have made more friends. Maybe I would have lived authentically.

I stopped myself—I couldn't think that way. No amount of wishing would make things different. I would always be the Edward I am right now. My past couldn't be rewritten. The present was the only thing I could control and I was barely controlling it.

Ignoring my nagging thoughts and enjoying the sun, I searched for a picnic table that was far removed from all the noise. I wanted to be around people without … being around people. I supposed that was the introvert in me, wanting to go out while avoiding human interaction. _This is probably why I don't have too many friends. _

I sat down and powered up my laptop, knowing just what I wanted to do. While I was sure no one would care, I wanted to document my journey. I had dabbled with blogging in the past but always gave up when my ideas went unread. Hell, my own mom didn't even read my posts. However, I supposed it would be lame if my parent was my only cheerleader. Sometimes, I thought one of my two readers was Jasper.

I imagined him logging onto Facebook and finding my blog link, clicking it unlike all of my other twenty-four Facebook friends. He would read about my thoughts on the newest music and television shows, taking in my ramblings and laughing at how into everything I was. Of course, this probably never happened. However … who else could have read them? My parents claimed to have never looked, but maybe they were lying, thinking they were boosting my confidence by leading me to believe I had my own tiny audience.

_Tiny? It was practically non-existent. _

Despite my insecurities, I opened up WordPress, setting up a new account with a different email, wanting a fresh start. My website design was lackluster: black, blue, and completely plain. However, appearances weren't what was important—this was about my search for my birth parents. Maybe I was selfish for looking for them. I did have wonderful parents, after all. But still … I couldn't help my curiosity. I battled with myself every day, and I barely knew who "myself" was.

So, I began to type, knowing I was talking to absolutely no one. No one would see this blog. No one would see the posts, or the pictures, or the history. That didn't matter to me, though. Writing this felt like a release. I was getting my truth out there, releasing it into the universe. There was a weight on my shoulders I wanted gone. Slowly, I would open up. This was like a diary of sorts. I wouldn't share links. I wouldn't mention it to anyone. The right people would see it. I was sure the universe could manage that much, couldn't it?

Did I even believe in that whole "universe" garbage?"

My fingers paused, and I stared at what I wrote. I edited it a bit, making it easier to read, before my eyes scanned it once more.

**Header: Eighteen and Searching**

** No one will read this, but I want to try anyway. Recently, my entire world felt foreign to me. I've been feeling lost for a while now, and suddenly, I don't recognize myself at all. The other day, I found out I was adopted. I love my parents, but I feel lied to … used. I feel guilty for feeling this way, and maybe that's why I'm online rambling. I just hope these posts will reach the right people. I don't know if I believe in "fate" or whatever, but I think if this is meant to happen, it'll happen. **

** I want to know where I came from. I know until I do, it's going to gnaw at my brain. I'll always be wondering about the people who brought me into this world before my parents carried me through it. Today is the first day I'm trying to reach out. Hopefully, it will be the first of many. I don't know where this blog will go, but I hope it will lead to something new. **

** Even if I don't find what I'm looking for, at least I can feel like I'm talking to someone. In my real life, there's no one I want to reach out to. I love my parents, I love my friends, but I feel like they're all miles away from me. Honestly, sometimes it doesn't feel like we're on the same planet. **

** So, internet, I'll put myself out there, hoping something happens. I need something new in my life. I'm so scared to make a move; I'm starting to feel dull. **

** I would write "anonymous" but I know no one in my life will read this anyway. Besides, for the purposes of this blog, writing "anonymous" wouldn't help a single person find me. You'll see my face soon anyway, whoever you are. **

** I'm throwing this out there today, and hopefully tomorrow, I'll throw out some more. Fingers crossed, world. Let me find my answers. **

** -Edward**


	5. 4: You're Still Here

**Chapter 4: **

**You're Still Here and I Don't Know What to Do.**

The air was so hot my skin was beginning to itch. Leaning back against the brick of the building that housed my third job this summer, I breathed in the fresh summer air, pretending I was somewhere far more exciting than a burger kitchen. The work wasn't bad and the pay wasn't complete shit, but still, I had higher hopes for my summer. _Considering how broke I am, those hopes were more like delusions. _

Bringing the cigarette I bummed from an older coworker to my lips, I took a long drag. Anything that made it easier to avoid looking at my phone was a plus. Jasper had been texting me, and me being the coward I fucking was hadn't responded. Without him, I felt alone. I used to think I had all of these friends, but now that it was summertime and my time wasn't buried in mountains of homework, I realized how lonely I really was. Outside of Jasper, there really wasn't anyone I wanted to see. Sure, I could go and waste time with someone—one of my many coworkers who had all but given up on life, maybe—but I didn't want to. I wasn't the type to spend my time surrounded by people I wasn't super into. Whenever I was around people I considered more of acquaintances than friends, I found I felt lonelier, not less.

Truly, it was better being along. I needed the time to figure myself out. Didn't I? Maybe that was just an excuse I was telling myself. If I kept saying I was on some journey, I could feel better about the hole in my life. Something was missing. I felt it, my parents felt it, and no matter what, I couldn't figure out what caused it. The hole made me want to search for my birth parents even more. _Maybe if I find them … _

I paused, taking another drag. _What if I'm just doing this to distract myself? _I wanted to know who they were; I wanted to see their faces and compare them to mine. As stupid as it probably was, I felt meeting them would give me answers. However, the more posts I updated, the more I began to contemplate. They were strangers to me. I was a stranger to them. Maybe, we wouldn't have some movie-worthy moment. Maybe, if we did meet in person, the reception would be lackluster. _How would I cope with that? _All this work only to lead to a lackluster reception. _Fuck, the rest of my life will probably contain shit loads of work for a dismal outcome. _

"Ed?"

I turned at the sound of my name, finding Marcus leaning against the doorframe. I gave him a weak smile, hoping he wouldn't chew me out for taking so long to take out the trash. Today had been a bitch so far, and I needed some room to breathe. Summertime caused the restaurant to be packed—most days, I liked it that way. When I was busy, moving around faster than I thought possible, I couldn't spare a moment to think of him. My mind would be blissfully occupied as my body moved. What I hated were the quiet times. The times when no amount of music, video games, blogging, or television would help.

"Sorry," I apologized, dropping my cigarette to the ground and stepping on it. "I didn't realize how long I was out here."

"It's cool, man. We slowed down anyway," he said, stepping outside and kicking the chair holding the door in place so it wouldn't budge and lock us out. "I've been needing a break, too." He pulled out a box of 27s and slid one out, placing it between his lips before shaking the pack toward me. Unable to help myself, I pulled one, giving him a grateful smile before putting the smoke between my lips. "That place will be the death of me," he commented before lighting a match.

Seconds later, I was huffing away at my second cigarette of the day. _Jasper would kill me if he saw me doing this. _I smiled at the thought, knowing Jasper would never be around to see this.

"So, you normally this quiet?" Marcus asked as he leaned against the brick a few feet away.

"Naw, not really. I've just had a lot on my mind lately."

"I get that. Girl problems?"

I smiled.

"Something like that."

"My girl and I have been on the outs lately. We had a pregnancy scare, and I freaked out … I guess she didn't like my response." An awkward chuckle escaped him.

"Sorry," I said, truly meaning it as I took in his stiff stance. "I'm sure she'll come around."

"Maybe. I think she's been talking to some other guy, actually. Funny. One second she's with me and we're planning our whole freaking future together, and the next, she's thinking about shacking up with some random shit she just met. I swear to God, I can't trust anyone anymore."

I nodded, although I didn't really relate. I had never been in a real relationship. I'd been on a few awkward dates, and that's it. I kissed a girl once. Unlike the Katy Perry song, I hadn't liked it at all. I hadn't liked the feel of her lips or the taste of her Chapstick. In fact, I was grateful when one of my acquaintances barfed so we could leave Jasper's party. Even now, I cringed thinking about it. There had been a few years when I tried to like chicks. I tried to watch plain old, regular porn and tried to date a bit. Now, it was just embarrassing. Every attempt made me feel even more out of place than I already did.

"I feel you, man," I finally said, hoping my lie wasn't obvious.

Marcus, too wrapped up in himself, didn't notice. In fact, he wasn't looking at me at all. I sort of loved egocentric people. Around them, I felt like I could hide in plain sight. I could say the wrong things, and they wouldn't notice. In fact, outside of Jasper and my parents, most of my friends were really into myself. _Well, acquaintances, I guess. _With them, things were just easier. Thinking about it now, I was sort of astounded that Jasper never noticed I was gay. Maybe my drama teacher was wrong and I was a better actor than she thought.

"Hey, there's some kid here to see you," Marcus said as he finished off his cigarette and threw it on the ground near the pile of butts our coworkers had created during their many breaks. "He's sitting in one of the booths in my section by himself. If he's a friend and you want to hang, we're slow enough, and I'm sure Ethan will give you an actual break."

For a moment, I'm not breathing. _Is Jasper still my friend? _We had spent so much time together, becoming totally immersed in each other's lives, and yet, he felt so distant now. Seeing him now would feel like seeing a stranger. At least, I imagined it would.

Still, I gave Marcus a convincing smile and finished off my cigarette. As I ventured back inside, I wasn't sure how to act. I debated pretending nothing had happened between us. I could go up to him with a straight face and pretend I was, well, _straight. _I almost chuckled at the ridiculousness of that. Jasper could read me like a book. Now, more than ever. I couldn't pretend around him.

_Just go see what he wants. _

"Yo, Edward. If you want to hang out for a bit, you can take a break. You're caught up with all the dishes, aren't you?" Ethan asked as he bent over the POS, imputing an order.

He doesn't look at me, too wrapped up with what he was doing. For a moment, I considered lying, forcing him to keep me working. However, I felt too awkward to do that. Jasper would know I was avoiding him. The restaurant was dead. Besides a few couples left over from lunch, he was the only one here. It was too nice outside for people to lounge around in a dark restaurant.

"Thanks, man. I won't take long."

"Take as long as you want. When we get busy again, I'll come find you."

I nodded and headed off, walking toward Marcus's section. Jasper was staring down at his phone, scrolling through something as he sat facing toward me, leaning against the window. He didn't feel me approach, and his eyes remained cast down until I slid into the seat across from him. When he finally gazed up, his eyes widened before a shaky smile pulled at his lips.

"Hey," he said, putting his phone down face-up on the table.

"I didn't know you knew I worked here." Since getting another job, I hadn't said a word about it to him.

"Your mom told me." He paused for a moment, looking around the restaurant before looking back at me. "Sorry for just barging in on you. It seemed like a good idea, but when I was waiting for you, I started second guessing myself."

"Naw," I said with a wave of my hand. "It's fine, really. I was just taken off guard, I guess. So, what's up, why'd you come?"

He shook his head, adjusting his posture. "I don't know. I was looking at your blog this morning, and I was wondering … Well, I was wondering if you wanted some help. You're doing this all on your own."

Last night, I had published my third blog post. It was just a bunch of pictures of me, starting with pictures of me as a baby, moving up to pictures of me now. As stupid as it was, I felt like if my birth mom was out there, she would recognize me from the pictures. If she were looking for me, she would see these pictures of a random, copper-haired kid and think: "That's definitely him. That's definitely my son."

It was nonsensical, and yet, I wanted the images of me to be out there in the universe. I hoped someone would come across them and something would lead to something else. Now, all I could do was hope really. I couldn't think about the possibility that all of this could lead to nothing.

"It's kind of a singular activity, though, isn't it?" I asked as I played with the bottle of ketchup on the table.

"It doesn't have to be," he insisted, leaning forward in his seat. "Don't you want someone to do this with."

I looked up, surprised by the hopeful expression on his face. "After what happened … Jasper, it's too awkward for me now."

He stiffened. "What? Now are you just going to avoid me?"

I shrugged.

"I know you can't take it back, but if it makes you feel better, we could forget about it?"

I dropped my gaze, unable to look at him now. Forget about it? I never wanted to forget about it. If anything, I wanted to remember it for the rest of my life. It was all I would ever have. I would never feel his lips again. Everything else would only play in my imagination.

He wanted to forget about it. Of course, he did. He wasn't into me that way, and nothing would ever change that. It didn't matter how much I wanted him. _I'll never fall for a straight guy again. It's too painful … Even if things got physical, they would never really love me. _Honestly, after Jasper, I wasn't sure I wanted anyone ever. I was young and he was my first love, but I couldn't imagine moving on from him. Where would I move on to? Without him, the world felt lonely. Here he was presenting himself to me, and I wanted to recoil. I didn't know what was more painful, being with him without being about to be _with _him or being without him entirely. I doubted it was the later.

"Yeah," I replied dryly, hoping he didn't pick up on my disappointment.

"I just—I just don't want things to be weird between us, okay? We've been best friends for such a long time now. I can't imagine my life without you but—"

"—yeah, I understand that—"

"—I have Alice. I really like her and … I haven't told her what happened."

I don't know who he's trying to convince right now. Me or himself.

"I know you like her. You guys never leave each other's side—"

"That's not true. She's not here now."

"Thanks for not telling her."

"Of course. I mean, how could I tell her I kissed someone else?"

"Well, I kissed you. You didn't kiss me," I corrected.

"I don't think it would really make a difference in Alice's eyes."

"Of course, it would," I countered. "You could just explain that your gay best friend had a crush on you and awkwardly kissed you. If anything, I'm sure she'd laugh at the whole thing."

Gay. I'm not used to saying that out loud. It was weird labeling myself. The word sounded foreign as it passed through my lips.

"She wouldn't laugh. What's there to laugh about?"

"I didn't mean it like that. I just mean she wouldn't be angry. It's not like you cheated on her."

"But that's what you wanted me to do."

"What?"

"Cheat on her."

"No … I don't know what I wanted," I said as I pulled at the roots of my hair. "I guess I just wanted you to know how I felt. I didn't know what graduation would mean for us … I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't thinking. You could have just told me."

"I know … I'm sorry. I just—I don't know what to say, you know?"

"I won't say anything to her. We can just put it behind us and move on."

"You and Alice … You two are really great together," I lied through my teeth.

They were great together. Anyone could see that. However, I didn't want them to be great together and saying so was just so disingenuous. Jasper smiled. Apparently, my voice had made my feelings obvious.

"We are. I'm lucky to have her. She keeps me going down the right path." He shifted in his seat, dropping his gaze. "It's going to be nice to have that sort of support in college. I need someone to keep me from making every bad decision in the book."

"You wouldn't do that. Even if you were single, you wouldn't be fucking around. You always leave that to me."

He laughed at this, finally looking up at me.

"You don't fuck around either. Look at you, working throughout the summer. I'm not even doing that."

"You work for your dad," I pointed out.

"Yeah, doing his bitch work. It's basically just chores. It's not like I have a job with real coworkers and real paychecks. I just answer to my dad."

"Still, it's not like you're sitting around."

"True."

"What's Alice up to?"

"She's working at some retail store. I forget the name. I've taken her out to lunch a few times during her breaks. We just get pretzels and sit in the food court."

I nodded, wanting to be like a normal friend to him. However, I wasn't a normal friend. Hearing him talk about Alice made me cringe. Maybe if we talked about her enough, I would become immune to it. It was awkward, though. It was like discussing a romantic interest with an ex. Expect, I wasn't an ex. If anything, I would love to be an ex just so we could have a history other than the one I had made up in my mind. If we were exs, that would mean we had at least been together at one point. But that would never happen. We would never be together.

"That sounds fun, man."

"Does it?" He laughed. "I mean, it's better than nothing."

I forced a smile, and he noticed right away.

"Listen, I didn't come here to talk about Alice. I wanted to talk about you. You're looking for your birth parents, and I wanted to help."

"I mean, I'm barely looking. I just have the blog, which no one reads."

"I read it."

"I need more than you to read it."

"We can get it out there somehow. If it's meant to be, I'm sure it'll reach them."

"Thanks," I said lamely.

"Let me help, man. It could be a cool adventure—like something out of a movie. Just the two of us looking into your past."

"It's barely my past. She knew me for like, what, two seconds?"

He shrugged, smiling at me. "Still, it's going to be a cool story at least."

Searching for answers with Jasper … Spending time with Jasper … Could I do that?

"Okay," I said before I could think about it too much.

All this time with him could hurt like a bitch. But, I wanted the memories. If anything, this summer with Jasper could give me something to hold on to.

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who's reading this! Reading your reviews makes me so happy. Of course, there have been some bitchy reviews … but in the world of fanfiction, that's inevitable. I'm having a lot of fun writing this story! I hope you enjoy it. **

**P.S. Thanks for editing this, Sally! **


	6. 5: One Step Forward

**Chapter 5: **

**One Step Forward and a Million Steps Back.**

Nautica Blue flooded my senses, reminding me of the late October day we spent at the mall, hovering over the cologne counter as we searched for the cheapest scent. Jasper had wanted to impress Alice, and I, being a great friend, had stood by his side and tested each scent. Unfortunately, only two of the scents had been within his price range, and one of those scents had smelled like my grandfather's almost putrid cologne. I had told him Nautica Blue had been my favorite, regardless of price. He had purchased it, leaning against the glass display case with a smile. Despite my jealously, I had appreciated how happy he looked. A carefree look was rare during that semester. So, I had been grateful for it. So grateful, in fact, I hadn't cared who had given it to him.

"What do you think about this?" Jasper asked as he turned the laptop toward me.

I glanced at the screen, nearly cringing as my eyes scanned the craigslist ad. This wasn't how I had dreamt of doing things. My blog was still running strong (as in, I had still been updating it regularly). However, it wasn't gaining momentum. No one was reading it outside of Jasper and, unfortunately, Alice. Still, it felt good to get my emotions off of my chest. Just seeing my thoughts written out on a screen provided me with a great sense of relief. My writing wasn't brilliant and my thoughts were sporadic, but still, I felt like the words sounded like _me_.

That was what I wanted.

My bio mom was out there, and as illogical as it was, I believed she would recognize me if she heard me speak, or, in this case, read my words. When someone's connected to us, they stay connected. It's like there's a string connecting us, and no matter how far we ventured off, we would always be tethered. Sometimes, we're tethered to family; sometimes, to friends. We each have people in this world. People who we share part of ourselves with. Somehow, someway, I believed she would find me. Maybe I was just a romantic, but I felt like everyone finds their people. Even if it takes their entire life, they find them.

I had found one of my people already. He was the boy sitting beside me, hunched over a computer, typing away for my benefit. He and I were so alike. Some people you meet, you connect with. You don't know how or why but you feel like you can trust them—you feel like they're on your side. When I met Jasper, I felt that connection instantly. Only a few sentences had passed between us before I had felt like I had known him my entire life.

"Edward? Any thoughts?"

Many thoughts. None about this.

I leaned forward again, feeling awkward as I looked over the add.

"You really think this will work? Who looks for this sort of thing on craigslist?"

"If you're searching for something, this is where you go—I think."

"You think?" I questioned, straightening my back.

"Well"—he shrugged—"I've never done this before but I'm assuming …"

"This seems like we're just asking to get murdered."

"You listen to too much Creepypasta," he responded with a roll of his eyes, nudging me aside with his shoulder as he edited the post a bit.

He added a description of what I said I had imagined my mom looking like: dark copper hair, laugh lines, pretty green eyes (same shade as mine), and medium height.

"There!" he exclaimed as he finished off his new edits. "See, now they'll get the right idea."

"Are you high?"

The corners of my mouth rose as I looked at him.

"No?"

"Jasper—"

"I'm not high. Seriously, Edward, I came to help you."

"You came to help me by coming over stoned and making a craigslist ad for me?"

"I'm not high. Alice doesn't like it when I smoke."

"So, you just gave up?" I asked, surprised.

"Well, it was give up or lose her," he said, as if the choice were obvious.

I supposed to him, it was.

I wondered if he would give something up like that for me, too.

"Well, look at you. All reformed," I teased.

"Dude, quit it." Looking back at the ad, he asked, "What do you think? Should we post it? I think we've got nothing to lose."

"Well, you have nothing to lose no matter what."

"That's not true. If you lose, I lose, too."

"That right?"

"Come on, man. Don't give me this shit now. Of course, that's right. Why do you think I'm doing this all for you?"

"Because you're my friend?"

_Please don't fucking answer that. _

He nodded. While he didn't utter the word "friend," I felt the sting.

_Of course, you're his friend. Stop dreaming. _

"I'm uploading it," he warned with a smile, nudging me with his elbow as he sealed both of our fates.

I stared at it for a moment, not knowing what I felt. In a way, I was thrilled he cared enough to do this, but in another way, I was absolutely terrified. What if this led to something? As much as I wanted answers, I feared them. It was simpler to wonder in many ways. If you're still wondering, you're not facing the truth. Sometimes, the truth is our worst nightmare. Was I prepared for that? Would I rather go on living in ignorance?

Ignorance was bliss, but it was comfortable.

"What are you thinking?"

I shrugged. I wasn't sure.

"What should I be thinking? Maybe she's out there somewhere reading this, and maybe she isn't. I don't know which option I'd rather be true."

I felt Jasper's eyes on me and hesitantly turned to look. With his head cocked and a brow raised, he stared at me.

"I thought you wanted to find her?"

"I did—I do. I don't know … I guess I'm just nervous about finding the answers."

"Well, so am I. But you have me. You shouldn't be nervous."

"True," I said, although my voice was weak and unconvincing.

"What are you up to for the rest of the day? You're off, right?"

I glanced at the clock: four twenty-three in the afternoon. I was free, but I wanted to be alone. Being alone was so much more comfortable. No expectations, no awkwardness—just me, my music, and an empty room. With Jasper here, every one of my senses would be flooded by him. I wouldn't be able to think straight; I wouldn't be able to function. I didn't want to pine away for him today.

"I was thinking about working on some music actually."

"You can't do that with me here?"

My brows knitted together. Didn't he have better things to do than sit around and watch me fumble around on the guitar? I sat speechless for a moment, trying to think of another excuse.

He straightened his back, sitting up next to me before stretching his arms above his head. His back cracked and his arms dropped, shoulders slumping forward.

"If you don't want me here, I can leave. We just barely hang anymore. We used to chill all the time."

Suddenly, I felt guilty. My feelings weren't his fault. Him not being able to return them wasn't his fault. I should have known. _This is definitely the last time I'll ever fall for a straight guy—too much heartache. _

"You can stay"—I stopped, considering the fact that we would be alone together in my bedroom. "Actually, let's go somewhere."

His mouth perked up at this. _I was always stealing glances at his mouth. _

"Where were you thinking?"

"I don't know—" I had only been thinking about him lately. "Anything cool going on?"

He shrugged, leaning back on his hands. "Well, there are a few cool movies out that Alice didn't want to see with me."

Instinctively, I cringed. "That sounds cool."

"You sure?" he asked, noting my awkwardness.

"Sure thing. I'm down for whatever."

His smile grew, and he pulled out his phone, searching for movie times. I sagged beside him, enjoying the comfortable silence that washed over us. I loved this about our relationship—friendship, I corrected myself—we didn't have to say a word to enjoy each other's company. We just understood each other. It was like we were on the same wavelength or some shit like that. Everything was conveyed without having to open our mouths.

_You could give your heart to a person like that. _

He found a movie time for five o'clock, and we rushed downstairs, jumping into my car to make it to the theater on time. Classic rock moved through my car as I drove, reminding me of the times I spent in the passenger seat of this same old car. With my feet on the dash, I would bob my head along with the music as Dad drove. When I was younger, we could never get anywhere fast enough. Now, however, I appreciated the road. Every street felt like a new journey to me. Especially when Jasper was sitting in the passenger seat, wanting me to take him anywhere.

This summer should be full of adventure, and yet, somehow, it felt sort of dull. It felt like the beginning of a long-ass book. This seemed like a slow-burn; all the good shit would happen as summer was ending. Somewhere inside of me, I felt like this summer would be one great adventure. I felt like if anything, it would be memorable.

Memories were good, I supposed. Regardless of what type of memories they were. Memories made things feel real. I could always feel them stinging.

"I'll grab the tickets, and you grab the snacks?" he suggested as I rolled into a parking spot and stopped.

I smirked at him. "You always order a bunch of food though. No wonder you're trying to get me to pay for it."

"Man, I'm just thinking we split everything up every time we go out anyway."

He smiled at me and then slid out of the car. Obviously, he knew I wouldn't deny him anything. _Especially now that he knows my feelings. _For a heartbeat, I was paralyzed in my seat, cringing at the very idea. Everything was different now. No matter how much I wanted to rewrite our relationship, I couldn't. My cards were visible. My heart ached, and my insides twisted as if something sharp was cutting right through me. Exposed. I felt so uncomfortably exposed.

"Man, you coming?"

_Shake it off. Shake it off. Who gives a fuck anyway? Jasper apparently doesn't. He's acting like shit didn't happen between us. For him, it was just a mistake. For me, it's a memory I'll replay until it fucks me up too badly. _

Turning the car off, I pulled the keys from the ignition and avoided his gaze as I stepped out. Although my feet were on the ground, my body felt like it was hovering about us. Itching in my own skin, I locked up the car and fell in step beside him. Inches away, I felt the heat from his body. I nearly kicked myself for imagining a spark between us.

He opened the door for me, and with my hands stuffed in my front pockets, I breezed past him, looking ahead as if I wasn't affected by the slightest thing. I felt his eyes on me, but that was only natural. Of course, you would look at the person you were with. Face flushed, I walked up to the ticket booth and ordered for the both of us.

Flustered, I barely noticed the looks the girl was giving me as she helped us choose our seats on the monitor in front of us. Reaching across the counter, leaning her tits onto the countertop as she peered down at the monitor, she talked directly to me. A coy smile lit up her face, and for a moment, I wished I could be more like her. I wished I could flirt like this: eyes brightened and sparkling, face glowing, and mouth soft and inviting. _If I looked at Jasper like that, would he—? _

Rouge colored my cheeks as I leaned back on my heels. Instantly, she mistook my reaction for an interest in her, causing me to shift back and forth on my feet. I quickly picked two seats near the back, although, I didn't know what all the trouble was for—the theater was nearly empty. When she moved away to select the seat numbers on her computer, I felt my entire body relax. With a shaky smile, I turned to Jasper, who was just staring back at me with a blank expression.

_What is he thinking? I hate when his face gets like this. _

He held my gaze for a moment before looking forward and relaxing his face. I showed the girl our student IDs from high school—always appreciating the discount—and paid. She leaned forward again as she handed me two paper tickets, and instinctively, I snatched them out of her hand, nearly ripping them in the process. Clumsily, I apologized and quickly turned to leave, bumping into Jasper as I turned on my heel.

"I've never seen you so worked up," he commented as he stepped aside, allowing me to straighten up.

"Sorry," I apologized. _Why am I apologizing? _"I didn't—"

"Dude, it's fine. She was pretty cute, right? Maybe you should go grab her number."

"Why would I do that?"

His steps faltered for a moment.

"Sorry, I forgot."

_He forgot I was gay? How … After what happened, how could he even … _

"No problem."

My reply was so quiet I could barely hear it. We stopped in front of concessions. Awkward, I couldn't even look at him. My eyes scanned the board as if it were the most important thing in the freaking universe. Suddenly, I wanted to order everything. If I was stuffing my face the entire movie, maybe I could feel less awkward.

Without consulting with him, I stepped forward and began to order.

"We'll get a pretzel with cheese, nachos with cheese, a small bag of popcorn, a cherry Icee, and a bag of Red Vines"—Jasper shifted next to me as if I forgot he was there—"And what did you want?"

My gaze finally turned to him, finding him gazing at me curiously.

"I'll take a cherry Icee, too."

"Two cherry Icees," I said, looking back at the concession girl with a smile.

She returned the expression, and for a moment, I wondered if she was going to flirt with me, too. Taking our money, she gave me a curious gaze. I stole glances at Jasper as she handed me my change and began compiling up our order.

"You didn't want to let me pay for anything?" he asked.

My eyes widened and an awkward laugh escaped me. "Sorry, I guess I totally forgot. I guess you can get me back next time."

"I didn't think these chicks would make you so flustered," he said, low enough so only I would hear him.

"What?"

"Nothing." Now it was his turn to awkwardly laugh. "I'm going to run to the bathroom before the movie."

"Are you going to be back in time to help me carry all of this?"

"Of course. I'll just be a sec."

Minutes later, I stood by the concession stand, eyeing our food as it rested on the countertop. My eyes darted to the bathroom periodically, but I tried to avoid looking. I didn't want to be staring in that direction when he came out despite how long he was taking. _Maybe he has to take a shit or something … _I took a sip of my Icee and peered down at my phone, seeing our movie already started. _Hopefully, there are plenty of commercials. _

"Sorry it took so long, man."

My eyes shot up. He grinned at me, but the expression looked so forced I barely recognized him. Grabbing some of the food and watching as he grabbed the rest, I chose not to say anything. If he wanted to tell me what's up, he would have. _Maybe something's happening with Alice … But he would tell me about that sort of shit, wouldn't he? _

Without a word, we ventured into the theater and stumbled around for a bit before we were able to find our seats with only the light from the screen to guide us. Sitting next to Jasper in the dark … it made my nerve endings spark and my body feel alive. He was inches away, and yet, I felt like he was touching me. In my imagination, I felt his skin rubbing against mine. Of course, he wasn't close enough for that; however, I couldn't kick the sensation. It felt too real. I wanted to lean against him. Maybe I could under the guise of an accident. _I can brush against him for a second … Just to feel his skin against mine. _

He shifted in his seat, putting his arm down on the armrest between us. With nachos and popcorn in my lap, I squeezed both of my arms between the armrests of my seat, not wanting him to think I was trying to touch him. The movie started, and I began to eat, trying to move my mind away from the cute guy next to me. Just as I'm becoming enthralled with the movie, Jasper reached forward and grabbed a chip off my tray. Without a word, he dipped it into the cheese and put it in his mouth before washing it down with a sip of his drink. I watched him, forgetting about the movie completely. _How can I be so turned on by just watching him eat? _My cheeks burned, and I dropped my gaze. And then, he did it again. And again. And again. Until, finally, I shoved the tray into his lap with shaky hands.

"Sorry," he mumbled, keeping his voice down. "I didn't realize how hungry I was."

"It's cool. I can always get something else later."

In the dark, he smiled at me. Light from the screen danced over his features, causing them to appear sharper and more pronounced. I remembered when his face was soft, still full with baby fat. Back then, he had been cute. Back then, I knew I loved him. When he had smiled at me, causing his full cheeks to wrinkle around the eyes, I had known I was a goner. _He was it for me. Yet, he wasn't. He couldn't be it because he would never be mine. _

"This really gets your mind off things, right?"

"Right."

My eyes darted back to the screen, knowing if I looked at him too long, it could be dangerous. For the rest of the movie, I was glued to my seat, too afraid to even move. If I so much as touched him, I felt like I would combust. Being this close to him was enough, anything else would be overwhelming.

The credits rolled, and I remained seated as the lights began to brighten. Jasper leaned against me, as if he were waking me up, nudging me with his shoulder. Turning my gaze to him, I gave him a weak smile before I downed the rest of the now cold popcorn in the bag. He gathered up our trash as I rose from the seat and pulled out my phone from my hoodie pocket. Two email notifications. My breathing stopped for a moment as I stared at the screen. I clicked on the envelope icon and bit down on my bottom lip as I waited to read the subjects.

"What's up?" Jasper asked as he peered down at my phone.

"Nothing," I muttered as I waited for my email to load.

"What? Did someone reach out to you already?"

Finally, my email loaded, and I found two messages from my craigslist ad. Jasper nudged me, and I snapped out of the tiny trance I was in, opening the email without expelling a breath. When I read the first line, I exhaled and felt myself deflate.

**I'm not who you're looking for, but you're definitely the type of boy I've been looking for. **

I stopped reading, exiting the email before pulling up the second response.

**Cute. Real cute. I can help you forget about things. **

I hit the power button on my phone, and the screen went black. My cheeks flushed, and I cringed, knowing Jasper read the emails, too.

"Yikes. Well, I guess we'll just have to ignore the shit responses."

"Shit responses? What if we get nothing but shit responses?"

He shrugged, forcing a smile. "Then, we try something else."

Try something else—I didn't want to exhaust all of my options too soon. I didn't want to get my hopes up to high, only to lead to nothing. Putting his arm around my shoulder, Jasper reminded me that he was here. I feared the unknown, but I feared it less, knowing he was at my side.

**A/N: Once again, thanks so much to anyone who is reading this! I appreciate you so much! Whenever I post, I'm so eager to read your comments. This story means a lot to me right now. I'm so happy I'm finally writing a Jasper and Edward fic! I've been wanting to write slash for a while now. Sometime this week, I should have an update of "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time," too! **

**Thanks so much Sally for editing this! I was very tired when I went through and approved all of your edits … so, I hope I didn't mess anything up too bad! **

**Love you all! **


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